My Bloggy Voice

I have started and retreated from a number of blogs in the past few years.  When I go back and read some of the posts I have written, I sometimes wonder who even wrote it.  It should not surprise me that I am having trouble finding my bloggy voice.  This is very similar to how my life has played out in recent years.  Somewhere along the line I didn't know who I was anymore.  Now I am starting to wonder if I have ever known.

I have been encouraged to ask myself the question, what do I want?  And I have put off answering this for a long time.  Recently, I can finally answer it with confidence.  Here is my list:

What do I want?

Independence. I want to have my own opinions and for them to be respected and validated. I want to feel confident in my decisions.
Love. I want love without limits or barriers, without definition. I want love that respects, protects, and nurtures.
Family. I want to be close to my family and for us to be kind and supportive to each other, even in our differences. I want my children to know how much I love them and how special and important they are.
Friends. I want to maintain my friendships with the women important to me in my life. I don’t want to feel bad about taking this time for myself.
Career. I want to be successful in a career I believe in, being around people and helping others.

So this is where I will begin.  With any luck I will find my voice right here in this list, bloggy and otherwise.

Dear Diary...

I waited and waited for God to answer my prayers and when He finally did, I ignored him.  I received what felt like a direct question from God challenging my behavior and choices.  Instead of following in His path, I chose my own.  I knew that I should trust His way.  I even knew that He would bring me an abundance of blessings if I did.

I have trust issues, even with God.  Lately, I have felt like it is easier to not care at all than to trust in anything.  My need for distraction and instant gratification was growing stronger by the minute.  It needed to come to an end, and quickly.   

Lord, thank you for providing me with that brick wall, into which I hurled myself.  Please help me pick up my pieces and try again.  You are still with me, teaching me, loving me.

Share Kindness

Check out my new bumper sticker:

I found it at a garage sale and fell in love with it.  Spread a little joy by being kind to others, even if it's just a smile.  Proverbs 12:25 reminds us, "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up."  Give yourself and someone else the gift of happiness today, even if it's only for a moment,

and SMILE =)

90 Minutes In Heaven, Book Review

Don Piper was pronounced dead on impact, his body left under the mangled metal of his Escort while the rest of the accident was being cleaned up around him.  Dave Onerecker, a passerby, made the unusual decision to pray for this dead man and his injuries.  90 minutes later, Don returned to life only to face hell on earth.

The series of miracles that take place after his revival leave little doubt that Piper's time on earth was not yet finished.  Through his miraculous and painful recovery, Piper shares his experience of grace and the power of prayer.  Oh, and did I mention the 90 minutes while his body lay dead, waiting for the jaws of life to extract him, that he spent in heaven?

90 Minutes in Heaven is a truly heart wrenching story designed to give hope to people facing serious injury, the loss of a loved one, or a struggle of faith. The acceptance of loss, prayer, purpose, and grace are all addressed in great detail from a man who learned the importance of each through insurmountable obstacles. Unfortunately, the book carried an extremely negative connotation. The author rarely invited us to celebrate in any of his triumphs with him which, for me, resulted in a reverse effect of what he may have intended. In the end his story left me feeling angry and confused, if not doubtful.  For the most part, even though Piper's story is sometimes difficult to read, his experiences provide a comforting message of God's greater plan.

Submission

sub·mit [suhb-mit] verb, -mit·ted, -mit·ting.
–verb (used with object)
1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another
 
Writing about submission sends me through the roof with anxiety.  I don't even like to type it out.  The word itself feels awkward under my fingers.  I get tripped up right after the letter "u" and my hands begin to cramp in resistance.
 
In my devotion this morning I was directed to James chapter 4, where we are encouraged to submit ourselves to God.  Immediately upon hearing this word I was reminded of another place in the Bible where wives are encouraged to submit to their husbands.  And I scrunched up my nose while rolling my eyes... as if.
 
Today, instead of breezing past James 4 in annoyance with the word submission, I read the section and sought first to understand.  What does it mean to submit myself to God?  Webster defines submit as the action of giving control over to another.  How...
 
 COMFORTING!!!
 
Wait...  comforting?  YES!  Beyond our own attitude, there are not many things in life we are able to control.  We are at the mercy of many influences; people, weather, finance.  Just when we think we have everything under control, we are quickly reminded of how little we actually possessed in the first place.
 
What an awesome feeling to be able to submit ourselves to God by giving Him control over our lives!  Since I know I am never fully in control of any outcome I am relieved I'm able to place that worry in God's hands for Him to handle.
 
I submit to God's plan for my life by trusting in this moment.
 
James 4:10, "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up."

THE NOW, oh to follow my own advice!

Do you ever sail through a day as if you're being carried by a warm breeze on a cloud? I love days like these. Everything is extremely effortless and seems to naturally fall into place. The meeting you were dreading was shockingly productive and the dinner you threw together at the last minute tasted like a gourmet meal you will never again be able to replicate. Ah, yes... the beauty of a good day.

Then there is the polar opposite. I'm in too good of a mood to actually go there. But, you know the kind of day I'm referring to - we have all been there. The only thing to do is pray for bedtime to get here as soon as possible so you can forget the entire day and pretend it never existed.

Thankfully, life is often experienced somewhere in the middle, between pure bliss and utter devastation. And it is during these times when we are preparing ourselves for the brief glimpses of either of the above, which has me wondering... do we ever actually arrive? Since life can appear to run on auto pilot and take on a feeling of redundancy it is very tempting to hang onto these brief moments of the past or cling to dreams of what could be in the future. My fear is that while my attention is placed on the more dramatic times in my life I will miss the in-between, where true life occurs.

It is a practice to remain appreciative of the moment I am in. When I take life one day at a time and keep my focus there, I can truly notice myself loosen up and love where I am at - even if it has been one of those unmentionable days. Here are a few tricks I've incorporated into my routine to help keep my attention on my day at hand:

1) Set Goals: While predicting the future is impossible so to dwell on it is pointless, goal setting is something all-together different. If you know where you want to be than you are able to take the appropriate steps to get there. I have fallen into the trap more than once of taking on too many tasks because I hadn't defined the direction I wanted to travel. When I have a goal written down I am able to prioritize my day and choose what is most important to me.

2) Be Mindful: Awareness of my wandering mind is key to being able to reel myself back in to reality. For a long time I didn't even know I was living so far away from my everyday life. "What if...?" was my favorite day dream. So I stopped asking it. I can still catch myself starting a thought process with these words, but each time I notice it I am able to cut it off more quickly.

3) Breathe: I find life spinning around me at a rate I can't keep up with. If I take a moment for a few deep breaths I am able to at least slow the racing of my mind and heart. I have often caught myself bouncing sporadically from task to task. Having a calmer demeanor helps me make better decisions throughout my day that free up time for what is most important to me.

What are some tricks you use to help stay in the moment and appreciate your day to day life?

Worry Not About Tomorrow

I have found myself in two similar conversations this week with two different people about looking for the "next thing" in life.  I am tempted to sit here and contemplate when and why I started this habit of thinking (wishing) there is something better that I am missing, but the why doesn't really matter.  What matters is that now I realize by putting so much energy into what could be, I am missing out on what is happening HERE and NOW, which is as real as it gets.

So I have agreed to stop looking and waiting for something different.  What I have on my plate is really plenty to manage as it is and if I can get good at that there honestly isn't a need for anything else.

I am present in each moment.

Matthew 6:25-26; "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Free Flow

Thanks for the suggestion, Brie =)  While this isn't the very FIRST thing I'm doing this morning, it is still early enough I may not make much sense.  Which, is all good.

My prayer this morning felt for the first time in a long time extremely heartfelt.  It's not that I don't mean what I pray, it's more that I don't know what I'm praying for.  Sure, I can go through the list of forgiveness, salvation, daily bread, etc.  and of course those things are important.  But, right about "kingdom come" my mind will take off in its own direction.  Eventually I will notice that my hands are still folded and, oh yeah!...  I was praying!

Today was different.  I am thankful for that.

My mission for the next, well... forever, is to stay grounded into the earth.  When looking back on my life until now I see that I let everything happen to me in a very un-invested sort of way.  I am very thankful for where I find myself today, but would very much like to be 100% present in this and every future moment I am given.  In 10 years I will look back and know that at age 34 I started living.

I am grounded...  and I see you.

Tree Hugging Jesus Worshipper

I had a wonderful learning experience this afternoon. The boys and I stopped by the park on the way home from school. My oldest son immediately gravitated towards the other children, as he always does, and began making friends. The other family had brought a soccer ball with them and they organized a game. Once the teams were set they began to play. One of the brothers was rather good and kept scoring over and over, which frustrated the younger participants. His Mom quickly stepped in and reminded him he was playing with littler kids.


This sparked up a conversation between his Mom and myself. We talked a little about our families, where we were from, how many were in our family and finally where our kids went to school. Come to find out, she home schools her children. I think that is awesome. But, it is the words that she chose to tell me about her homeschooling that taught me a HUGE lesson.

She was excited about homeschooling and enjoyed it very much. I asked her if she belonged to a large community of families who home school... and come to think of it, this question is what prompted her comment. She said, "yes, it is growing." "People often think that homeschooling is done only by Christians." ...and I thought, what an odd thing to say!

I then told her where my kids go to school (at our Lutheran church) and I think she was slightly embarrassed, but I didn't make a big deal about it and continued our conversation as if I didn't even catch it.

We ended up leaving the park at the same time and we said our goodbye's and nice to meet you's before climbing in our mini-vans. While passing her vehicle I noticed the most interesting bumper sticker that read, "Tree Hugging Dirt Worshipper"... And it totally called me out.

During the past year I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. I have become an advocate of natural health and healing. What I've noticed is that many people who embrace this lifestyle have formed communities, places to share their ideas with others who are like-minded. What I've found in these communities is that more often than not, the members are not Christian, or they don't promote their Christianity. The sad part is that neither did I.

Just like the woman at the park thought homeschooling is stereotypical of Christians, I thought that natural health and the green movement is stereotypical of Non-Christians.

The bottom line is I am excited for her and inspired by her. She went out on a limb and accomplished her goals despite feeling as though she did not fit in. Now she has a community of like-minded people to share her ideas. I doubt she would have realized how much we actually have in common. I couldn't help but wish I had a bumper sticker on my van that read,

Write Anyway

Writing feels odd to me this week.  Instead of plowing through it anyway I decided to take a break for a few days. I believe this has made me feel worse.  When I write I am forced to put what I read into my own perspective and apply it to my life that way.  It somehow solidifies things for me and imprints them on my heart in order to carry it with me throughout my day.

These past few days I have been lost.  My thoughts are scattered, energy levels low, and I haven't been able to accomplish much (putting in nicely...  really, I have turned into super bitch - just ask my family).  Could this all be a result of not writing?

So today I am forcing myself back at it and writing about not writing seemed the easiest topic to tacle this morning.  Maybe it will carry me through to something more thought provoking.........